What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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