He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
