My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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