Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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