Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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