Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My dick has a subreddit
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
