Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
