When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
