You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
