Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
