we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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