today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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