Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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