Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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