this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
