____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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