TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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