omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The power of my boobs compel you
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
