His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He passed out mid-signature
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
