You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
