Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
