So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
