I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
