I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
