Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
