A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
