New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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