New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Well I just put wine in my tea
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
