come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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