It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
