i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
