take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Duck Duck Cougar?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
