i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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