it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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