about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
ttyl tear gas
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
