My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
