True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
