Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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