peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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