Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
