Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
