cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
