i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Randomize
