hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
