I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
