I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
