hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
It's never too late to be topless.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
