It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
