Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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