You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
