I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Randomize
