I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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