It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
