Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
