If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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