Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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