3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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