Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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