Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
