I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
