Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
