After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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