I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
