hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
