I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
