I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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