I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
