Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
