i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
