dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
